


Fortress Around Your Heart

by JOBrien42



Series: Hearts Cycle [1]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Episode: s07e06 The Al Smith Dinner, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17139989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JOBrien42/pseuds/JOBrien42
Summary: Lou arrives a few seconds later during the "Al Smith Dinner", and Donna realizes maybe she's gone too far.





	Fortress Around Your Heart

“You ditched me when I gave you a career!” Josh accused.

“As a short order cook,” Donna snapped. “I’m still waiting for the spatula…”

Josh’s eyes went flat. “Why do you want this job?” he demanded.

Donna paused, curious at his sudden change in demeanor. “Because I believe in Matthew Santos. Because I want to help get him elected.”

“Fine,” he responded, “You report to Lou. We’re done here.” It was Josh’s voice, but it wasn’t any Josh she knew saying the words. 

“Josh,” she said, her eyes pleaded that he not just give up, not when they had a chance to break through the tension of the last several months.

Lou walked back in, “I hope you’re getting along like-,” and she saw Josh’s face and rolled her eyes. “Whatever, listen, the Women’s Alliance wants to meet with Vinick. I need you to spin it…”

“She’s all yours. I’m sure you’ll find her valuable.” Josh said coldly, and walked out to talk with Bram, who hurried after him, explaining about Vinick attending the Al Smith Dinner and a bishop in New Jersey who pledged to deny Communion to the Congressman.

—-

The next night in her hotel room, Donna tried to figure out what happened. She knew they needed the conversation Lou had tried to facilitate. She’d been rehearsing her part pretty much since the day she left the White House. She just never thought Josh would just… switch off. It had been like a wall had dropped between them. 

The day hadn’t gone too badly. She’d correctly pointed out that the members of the Women’s Alliance were still going to be with them regardless of who they endorsed, and Josh had listened to her and had it added to the polling. The Congressman and Senator had made an agreement for a real debate, and after watching him perform after the Democratic field, she knew that was a good thing.

But there was still the problem with Josh. She’d had to stand her ground. She’d had to leave. She’d had to do more, and he wasn’t giving her the opportunities she needed. People had died and she had lived, and she couldn’t be the person he wanted her to be anymore. She couldn’t believe that she’d made her wants and needs subservient to another man, not when eight years ago she’d driven eleven hundred miles - twice - to get away from that very thing. 

If he would just talk to her, they’d be able to get past it. She wanted, desperately, to get past it. The campaign needed it, for one. It wasn’t like anyone could miss the tension in the room during staff, and that was going to create gossip and speculation and it would pull people off task. 

She wondered about his question, why she wanted the job on the campaign. Because she did want to get Santos elected. He was the real thing, and after nearly a year with Russell, it was easy to tell the difference. Not that it had been hard to distinguish between President Bartlet and the Vice President, but she’d thought that was a unique situation. But Josh had gone and found a man worthy to sit behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office. And she wished she could have had her same career trajectory working for Santos, but she told herself she would’ve just ended up typing memos and scheduling meetings for Josh, just like at the White House.

She didn’t have time for what ifs, not when her alarm would go off in five hours. But she found herself fantasizing that she’d hadn’t quit, that she’d gone with Josh to recruit Santos. The organization had been so small in New Hampshire, he couldn’t have just had her typing. And when she was being honest with herself, she recalled all the meetings he’d sent her to in his place, where her opinion held the same weight as his would have. The research she’d done and their conversations that helped shape White House policy. It hadn’t just been overly done burgers. They would have needed her to do the same at the start of the Santos campaign. 

In her fantasy, the Congressman would recognize her talent, and give her the same shots that Will had. And Josh would have grumbled, but it was his guy promoting her, so he couldn’t gainsay it. And she’d have helped him avoid some of the mistakes he’d made early on. He would’ve learned to rely on her as more than his assistant, and they would’ve gotten their momentum earlier and possibly clinched the nomination outright. 

In truth, though, she’d helped the Santos campaign almost as much as Russell’s. Her falling for Josh’s chicken stunt had gotten them some free media exposure when they couldn’t afford more than one commercial. When she realized that the Hoynes campaign wasn’t going to California, helping that story to break, it lead to Santos winning the state. If she hadn’t set the press loose, maybe it wouldn’t have broken until after the primary, at which point Santos would’ve been out of money and out of the race. She even aided in his plan on the Stem Cell vote, something she couldn’t have done without working for the Vice President.

Why couldn’t Josh see that she’d been helping him all along? Inadvertently, possibly subconsciously. But she was still on his side, even when they were on rival campaigns.

And why had the spatula comment made him shut down like he had? It was banter, exaggeration for effect. She’d rehearsed the line so many times, and she’d delivered it perfectly. It should have led to him arguing all the things he’d actually had her do and had done for her, to get him to remember the good times they’d had getting bills past a hostile Congress, putting her parents’ cats on the Supreme Court, all the times they’d shared. But he just quit the conversation. Had quit on them.

Was he getting back at her for quitting on him? Was it some sort of metaphor in his sad, twisted little brain? She wished she knew. She should know. How could she have misjudged things so badly.

She used to get him. She’d been proud of that. She’d seemed able to anticipate his very thoughts. Maybe that was it; in leaving him, she couldn’t let herself look at things from his perspective. She had to finally put herself first. And she wasn’t sure if she could or even wanted to try to work out his demented logic at this point.

It had all started to go wrong back when he didn’t get her on the trip to Belgium. She’d worked her ass off on that for months, she’d told him it was important to her. And maybe he’d tried - he said he tried - but it hadn’t happened. He tried to down sell it, saying it was like Pittsburgh, where he also hadn’t taken her. So he got her on the CODEL to Gaza, bumping Jack, one of C.J.’s staff, so she could send faxes and maybe sit in a couple meetings.

She forced herself to think like him. Assume he had tried to get her to Belgium, which may have been a hard sell since he’d ended up having to give up his own seat and take the press plane. Josh would’ve downplayed things to keep her expectations low, to make himself look better if he’d been able to pull it off. She’d gotten so used to him seeming to get the impossible done when it was something he really wanted, she’d just assumed it didn’t mean that much, but what if it really was impossible? When it didn’t work, he’d gone and got her the first foreign trip he could find. He’d probably talked with Toby about it, too, since Andy was on the trip and he knew the Communications Director was worried about it. 

And then Gaza happened.

She’d avoided thinking about Gaza, except in the broadest terms. That she owed those who had lost their lives to not waste hers anymore. And thinking about Gaza led to thinking about Germany, and she couldn’t untangle Germany from Josh. 

She let her thoughts lightly touch on those days. Waking up and seeing him there, in need of a shave. Him telling her he was there as long as he needed to be. The pulmonary embolism, the surgery. Asking for him. Touching his hand. And, after, he’d still been there. Finally sending him off to the summit when every fiber of her being wanted him to stay.

Everything he had done told her that he loved her. And when she’d returned - too soon, she knew - he’d been solicitous and gave her the pen and she thought things would finally change.

Of course they hadn’t. Things went back to exactly the same as they were before it all started, and she couldn’t tolerate that anymore. Couldn’t let herself be at his beck and call, couldn’t serve him anymore. Couldn’t eat the peppermint ice cream without it sticking in her teeth.

She began to consider it from his perspective, and then cursed at herself. He didn’t deserve this effort. He’d spent nine months playing the victim card, feeling sorry for himself, when he’d denied her opportunities, pushed her into a role when she was hurting so much inside. She caught it when he was falling apart that Christmas five years prior, why couldn’t he see her pain? Why did Kate Harper have to help her?

Because he was in pain himself, she thought silently to herself. Because he was Josh, and he was blaming himself for her being injured. She remembered now the look on his face when she told him to go back to America to work on the peace summit. He’d said that he was there as long as she needed him, and she’d told him that she needed him at his job, helping those people she’d met, ensuring the sacrifice of Admiral Fitzwallace and two Congressmen hadn’t been in vain. She had her mother and Colin, and he needed to go to work.

She could see clearly the way his eyes turned hopeless when she’d told him. She’d taken it at the time that he felt the peace talks would be fruitless, but it hadn’t been that. It had been that she was sending him away and letting Colin stay. In his mind she’d picked Colin over him. So he tried to be her friend the only way he knew how, they way he always had.

What a jackass.

But as she thought of it, it hadn’t just been his guilt over sending her to Gaza and him accepting what he thought was her choice between himself and the photojournalist she’d met. He’d nearly lost Leo on top of it, and he blamed himself for that too.

He’d seen that Leo looked pale, the night of his heart attack. He hadn’t followed up, and he’d left the next morning even though he couldn’t reach his boss and mentor, who was lying near death in the woods at the time. He was still reeling from nearly losing her, and then he almost lost Leo, and by his twisted rationale, he was responsible for both. He’d been almost useless those days, with he and Toby stepping all over each other trying to fill in for their ailing boss, while C.J. alone was able to hold it together. Maybe if she hadn’t been in such bad shape herself she might have noticed.

No. She’d needed to deal with her own issues. There was counseling and physical therapy and a million requests for interviews. There had been the nagging suspicion that Josh had flown to Germany not out of love, but due to his misplaced guilt complex. He cared for her, he’d shown that in a hundred little ways, but he wasn’t in love with her. And it made her feel like a fool, like he’d played with her affections by being so wonderful for those few days. And it made C.J. seem like a the voice of wisdom, and there she was throwing away her life on another guy who would never really, truly love her. 

She’d let the resentment build over several months. She tried to give him a last chance, to meet with her and give her the same opportunities the President had given Charlie. They were fast approaching the last year of the administration, she needed to know what came next. She wasn’t going to be his Margaret or Mrs. Landingham, and he should have known that. And it was clear she wasn’t going to be his Abbey Bartlet, either. Six meetings and he couldn’t put her first once. Hadn’t that proved she wasn’t that important to him? Hadn’t that been him stopping for a beer?

He had hurt her so much, with his carelessness and ignorance. He had let his job come first. Hell, he’d just rolled over and let C.J. be promoted to Chief of Staff over him, when he’d been the obvious choice. How could he fight for the her advancement of her career when he wouldn’t fight for his own? And then the flap over the Taiwanese flag, him getting booted from the China trip. Trying to keep the White House running with everyone overseas. The President’s M.S. attack turning a slow news day into a disaster. And he’d bailed on her for the seventh time and that was enough. She’d quit.

She could have done it better. She could have insisted, not let him blow her off. Given an ultimatum. Given notice, at the least. But it had been time to go.

And she had grown so much professionally. She was so proud of herself at what she’d been able to accomplish, from fundraising, media coordination, to becoming Senior Aide and spokesperson for a national campaign. Unfortunately, it had been for Bob Russell.

That was the most galling part. Josh had been right. She had known that he didn’t support the Vice President, and she knew why. He had told her she should have been with him on the Santos campaign, and now she was trying to do exactly that. And he’d been right in that he’d been a good teacher to her.

She’d got him back on that one, subverting his expectations by bringing up Will. It was calculated, it was mean, and it had stung him. 

And she realized that was the difference between them. He’d hurt her, certainly, but it never came across as intentional, even when he told her that her desire to be coupled was robbing her of her sense of self worth. Her retaliation had been deliberate, even vindictive. And she’d done it again when she made the spatula comment. It had been crafted to make him realize that he had again lost someone he loved and it was his fault. 

No wonder he’d built a wall between them. 

A song from Sting, something from middle school, played in her head.

_As I returned across the fields I'd known,_  
_I recognized the walls that I once made._  
_Had to stop in my tracks for fear of walking on the mines I'd laid._  


They’d helped build these walls, to protect themselves from each other. She’d been right in her first assessment - the man who’d flown to Germany to be by her side, who held her hand before surgery - that man had been in love with her, and she with him. He’d tried to show it to her when she first applied to the Santos campaign, telling her that he’d missed her every day, and she walked out on him, trying to keep things strictly professional. It had been the same thing in the room Lou had shoved them. He’d asked why she wanted the job, and she’d said it was about working for Santos, not letting him know how much she’d missed working with him. He’d reached across a dozen times over the year, and she’d pretty much slapped him away. No wonder he’d given up on them.

_And if I've built this fortress around your heart,  
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire,_

And maybe he’d be willing to settle for that. He’d worked with both Mandy and Amy after breaking up with them. And given how terrible he looked, how little sleep he was getting, he probably thought he could just power through these last couple months. But Donna was not going to settle. He still loved her. She still loved him. She’d grown professionally over their time apart, and could take the time to redevelop her personal relationship with her best friend. She would bridge the gulf the two of them had built.

_Then let me build a bridge, for I cannot fill the chasm,  
And let me set the battlements on fire._

She smiled to herself. He was going to try to keep her at arm’s length, huh? He should know better than to try to thwart a determined Donnatella Moss.

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by a reddit post by kcat1971 about the worst thing Donna had done. I really feel that both of them were to blame for the gulf between them in season's 6 and 7, and it does seem to change, with Josh reaching out to her when she's with Russell, and her reaching out to him when she joins the Santos campaign. The song "Fortress Around Your Heart" came to me halfway through the process, but seemed perfect. They spent more than a year hurting each other, and guarding themselves against each other, and it is time for those walls to fall.


End file.
